The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Sometimes we just have to stop telling ourselves our old stories.

-Tanya Dalton, Joy of Missing Out

I took three months maternity leave with both children. Those three months (each time) could best be described as "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." (thank you, Charles Dickens).

Mere weeks after I returned to work, I needed to take sick time. The kid(s) were sick, I was sick, Matt was sick. Daycare germs are real and we battled through the colds and coughs with the added weight of fear and dread wondering each time if it was Covid-19.

I felt horrible for missing more work. This internal pressure to "make up" for the time I had been absent caused me to work even more hours while already exhausted.

The reality was that it was not even possible to make up for those three months. Nor was it productive to try to do so.

What I got wrong was attempting to work at my "normal" pace upon returning. I tackled my work projects with gusto for several weeks, mind constantly in motion, checking emails and burning through work during any free moment.

My frustration would build each time I made a mistake in my work. I had trouble remembering facts and figures that I used to recall with ease and struggled to keep project and to do lists up-to-date. More often than not, the frustration I felt erupted at home with my family while I maintained a calm and professional facade at work. The time and the effort was not working.

This experience was rooted in a story I believed that wreaked havoc on my well-being - that to be successful I needed to keep working in the same way and the same amount of hours that I did before having children.

It's only recently (two and a half years later) that I have begun to come to terms with the fact that I. cannot. do. it. all. Having it all doesn't really exist. Having it all sounds exhausting. I don't want "it all".

If I don't want it all, then what do I want? This answer will be different for everyone. For me, it is simply to live a peaceful and meaningful life with my husband and children, to have physical energy and mental space for my friends and family, and to help others in their pursuits.

Well-being driven work means work is the tool and resource we can use to support our goals. This does not mean we are less committed or capable. It does mean that we are grounded, focused, and driven to achieve at work because it contributes to what we do actually want.

So, how can we reframe these limiting stories we hold as unshakeable truths? There are so many options to tackle this challenge but one, in particular, I have found helpful.

Gary Kellar, author of The ONE Thing provides a Focusing Question that literally helps to focus you in on the ONE thing that if changed or challenged would reap the largest benefit.

1. The Focusing Question in the context of identifying your core limiting story could look like this: "What is the ONE assumption that if you discovered it to be false it would open up doors you currently believe are locked and boarded up?"

2. The 5 Whys exercise could be adapted like this: Challenge the assumption you identified by asking yourself "Why do I believe this to be true?" Write down your answer. Then challenge that answer by asking again "Why do I believe this to be true?". Repeat this 5 times.

Because we believe the story is true, we never challenge it. Once examined, sometimes the assumptions start to look weak and a little crumbly.

As an example, My 5 Whys exercise looked like this:

Assumption: that to be successful I needed to keep working in the same way and the same amount of hours that I did before having children.

1. Why do I believe this to be true? Because if I make a change to either time or process, I won't be working hard enough.

2. Why do I believe this to be true? Because if I'm not working hard enough then I'm not as good at my job as I was before.

3. Why do I believe this to be true? This is where it starts to fall apart. Why do I think I'm not good at my job if I'm not working the same hours and in the same way? I don't have a good answer.

You may get to 5 and you may not. But, the exercise itself could help to objectively examine a belief you have that is limiting opportunity.

Last action to add in here, asking:

What could happen if this story is not true? What possibilities open up?

This is the most exciting part of challenging beliefs - discovering the opportunities that can lead to better wellbeing.

I don't have all the answers, so I would love to hear from you - what are other ways you have challenged a story you tell yourself? Reply to this email to share with me. If it would be helpful, I can share the other options in a future article (anonymous or not!).  

Final note: A friend of mine (thank you, Kelly!) shared this incredible podcast episode Rough Translation: Slackers@Work. My favorite part was hearing the courageous story of a schoolteacher in China, interviewed for the podcast.

Well wishes,

Kayla

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